Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help. Email lifestyle@thestar.com.my or write to Dear Thelma, c/o StarLifestyle, Menara Star, 15, Jalan 16/11,46350 Petaling Jaya, Selangor. Please include your full name, address and a pseudonym, online dating is failing women. No private correspondence will be entertained.

The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column.

The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.

Those suffering from mental health issues or contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935 / 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999 / 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s (Department of Islamic Development Malaysia) family, social and community care centre (0111-959 8214 on WhatsApp); and Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929 or go to befrienders.org.my/centre-in-malaysia for a full list of numbers nationwide and operating hours, or email sam@befrienders.org.my).

Dear Thelma,

I am 31 years old, have an amazing job and decent looks and mannerisms, but have been struggling to find a partner through online dating. Throughout the past year, I online dating is failing women been able to land dates with women more than 20 times, online dating is failing women. But all of the dates have a common pattern – they usually start off well but fizzle out by the second date or third date. Upon post-mortem discussion with the women who rejected me, they often say the same thing: “You are an amazing person but I just don’t feel the spark with you.”

I am too tired to go out there and try again, as I am tired of getting hurt repeatedly. I realised my approach of genuinely trying to make efforts and plans with a woman or even initiating calls and texts are perceived as “coming on too strong” and this frustrates me as well. I’ve even minimised my texts, calls and efforts but to no avail as it subsequently prevents me from establishing an emotional connection with someone.

So, should I just give up the pursuit of finding love or a partner? I have resorted to many self-help books to tweak my approach with women. I have gotten some success from it but along the way I’ve realised I have lost a big part of me throughout the journey as it requires a lot of alterations to my personality and, frankly, it is really exhausting to pretend to be someone I am not.

I am not trying to victimise myself but having gone out with over 20 women and ending up getting rejected after a few weeks or months, what could possibly be wrong with me? I have gotten so used to rejection that I am numb to the outcome of dating and do not even look forward to the dates anymore.

So Thelma, please give me a suggestion to avoid this vicious cycle of repetition as I do want to find love and build a relationship with someone.

AX

Dear AX,

You are so not alone with this issue! While your description is classic, I suggest the first move is to examine your perception.

You’ve had dates with 20 or so prospective partners you met online, online dating is failing women, and none of them has blossomed into a relationship.

You see this as striking out 20 times. I online dating is failing women that this is because of the way online dating works.

With online dating, you read profiles, connect online, text a bit, and then make plans, get dressed up, travel, and finally meet. That’s a lot of time and effort, so when it doesn’t lead anywhere, you feel let down.

Contrast it to meeting women at a party. There you’d talk for a few minutes, and you’d only ask for a date if you felt a spark. You’d likely ask just two or three, but it would be less effort and you’d have a better chance online dating is failing women a match.

While online dating can be useful, it takes an awful lot of extra work compared to meeting people in real life.

An additional problem with meeting online first is that many people have crafted an online persona that shows off their ideal selves. Some have an online persona that is completely different from their real selves. Therefore, you’ll have a lot of people who sound good on chat but who just won’t do it for you when you meet up.

Should you avoid online dating? No, it is useful. But I think you need to tweak a bit.

But first, my best advice is this: you’ve got 20 women out there with first-hand experience of going on a date with you. Ask them to set you up with single women they think you would get along with.

Also speak to your cousins, siblings, aunts, uncles, colleagues, schoolmates, and everyone else you can think online dating is failing women. The people who know you, are much more online dating is failing women to find you suitable partners than an algorithm.

And join activities and clubs where you can meet lots of people in a casual setting. Try hiking groups, running clubs, online dating is failing women, and dance classes. If you drink, go to pubs and clubs when they open again. If you’re religious, see what social activities your organisation offers.

Now, about tweaking those algorithms, online dating is failing women. Twenty women met you, so your chat is clearly excellent. You are also sensitive, empathetic and willing to learn, because you have adapted your texting style, online dating is failing women. Kudos to you!

I agree that being someone you’re not is exhausting. It is also not sensible; eventually, they will see the real you. So don’t try and change. Authentic is always awesome.

But ensure you’re making the most of your profile and online experience.

First, be on the right platform. There’s no point on being on a hook-up app when you’re looking for a match. Delete your profile on the apps that don’t suit your purpose. Then junk those apps.

Second, we tend to think of ourselves as buyers, and so our profile is often dedicated to what we’re looking for. However, your profile is really a sales page; you are the product.

Some 75% of your profile page should explain who you are. Only the last 25% should be about your target audience. It should all be personal and positive; don’t try and play mind games.

“I am a huge Marvel fan, online dating is failing women. When I’m not in the cinema catching a new release, I’m chilling with my cat Nelson and watching Smallville reruns. Since the pandemic hit, I’ve taken up jogging and I’m a reasonable cook. I’m 31 and although I loved dating in my 20s, I am now looking actively for a long-term relationship.”

It should include a close-up photo of your face, an action shot that matches your hobby, online dating is failing women, and a full-length portrait so people know exactly what to expect.

Third, be ruthless about investing your time. Swipe left on women who tell you they are not actively looking for anything serious.

That last bit may hurt because we tend to think that the more people we date, online dating is failing women, the more chance of meeting The One. However, you have a solid goal and there is no point in spending time with women who don’t share that.

Finally, we’re opening up again, so people will be keen to socialise. Take advantage of that joy in being free again and meet lots of people.

Remember, you’re thoughtful, outgoing and goal-oriented, and there are lots of great women out there looking for a partner. So good luck, and I expect you will meet someone in the next few months.

Article type: metered

User Type: anonymous web

User Status:

Campaign ID: 46

Cxense type: free

User access status: 3

Join our Telegram channel to get our Evening Alerts and breaking news highlights

You may be surprised to find out why online dating sites aren't working for you. It's not creeps sexting you pictures of their junk, it's not gold-diggers out for free meals, it's not married people secretly looking for a little action on the side, and it's not scammers or catfish preying on lonely online dating is failing women in an attempt to extort money.

I've heard all the horror stories in my work as a relationship coach. Despite the dark side of looking for love with online dating, the reality might shock you even more because it's unexpected.

What's the real reason online dating isn't working for you?

RELATED: 9 Ways Your Online Dating Profile Could Be Turning Online dating is failing women Quality Men

The truth is no matter what your experience or back story, the main reason dating sites don't work for the majority of people is simple: it's ineffective or poorly developed profiles. That's the shock of it.

Many of the struggles are self-inflicted. Now, online dating is failing women, if that sentence offends you at all, that may be a clue for you to pay special attention. I didn't say it's all your fault or that you somehow deserve to suffer; on the contrary, I do this work because everyone deserves to feel more loved than they've felt before — and that includes you.

The reality is, one third of all new marriages began with an online date, so there is absolutely no doubt whatsoever that online dating does work. But here's the other interesting statistic: only about 20 percent of online daters say it's working for them, which is defined by whether they're dating, in a relationship, engaged or married as a result.

If you do the quick and simple math there, that means that 80 percent of online daters are not getting the result they think they're paying for on those sites. Too many really great people are getting frustrated and starting to doubt themselves because they might not be great writers or understand one other critical distinction that makes all the difference.

Let me explain.

Your dating profile is an advertisement. That's because its job is to get attention, cause engagement, pique curiosity, create a favorable impression and generate a response. If your profile fails at any single one of those jobs, online dating is failing women, you fail, online dating is failing women. Game over. No click? No date. No intrigue? No sale.

RELATED: How To Find The Love Of Your Life On A Dating App

The difference between a good ad and a bad ad is simple. A good ad works and gets a response, which is the intended result; a bad ad gets ignored and is a tremendous waste of time, money and resources. 

Remember, we're talking about 80 percent of millions of people. There are a lot of great catches slipping through those nets every day and I want to change that.

The specific problem with most dating profiles is that they lack a cohesive and coherent message, so it's no surprise that potential partners lose the thread or check out early.

That's an automatic fail. If someone can't get a "take away," they will tend to "go away."

Rather than offering crystal clarity about what the writer brings to the table for their partner, instead they focus on self-serving, pointless, and unconvincing recitations of their own demands. That sounds more like a ransom letter than a love note to the partner you haven't yet met, doesn't it?

Is it any wonder that's not working? If it wouldn't work with you, why do you think someone else might be intrigued by that approach? 

With all due respect, do you think the fact that you're a guy who loves sports or a woman who loves jeans and a cute little black cocktail dress really makes you stand out from the crowd? Come on! You can't really expect to get attention if your profile blends in and sounds like every other profile, can you?

Your dating profile is failing — just like 80 percent of them do — because it's missing some key ingredients that people need in order to see you as a viable, potential partner. 

The bottom line? There's no reason to throw away good money on online dating is failing women sites when you can throw away your old, ineffective dating profile instead. What have you got to lose but your own frustration or loneliness?

RELATED: A 4-Step Guide To Creating The Perfect Dating Profile (Says Study)

Dave Elliot is a Neurostrategist and Coach who is known for getting results with a variety of techniques that enable rapid transformational change. Connect with him for support in moving past bad relationship cycles or a toxic bad boy phase.

Thanks to Max K. from Brooklyn, NY for suggesting this week’s topic:

Online dating, once a fringe and stigmatized activity, is now over a $2 billion industry. Over 40 million Americans have given online dating a try, and over a thirdof the American couples married between 2005 and 2012 met online.

The first prominent online dating site was Match.com, online dating is failing women, which launched in 1995. eHarmony started in 2000, OkCupid in 2004, and more recently, a wave of mobile people-swiping apps, like Tinder and Hinge, have become wildly popular.

But is this a positive development or something to be concerned about? Is online dating making the world better and dating more effective, or is something important being lost or sacrificed as a result? The way the current trend is heading, what will dating be like in 2030, and will that be a better or worse time to be on the dating market than 1995? Ideally, what would dating look like in 2030?

______

Tim’s Answer: I think this is a no-brainer positive development. The key thing is that it’s not online dating—it’s online meeting people followed by in-person dating. I think the term “online dating” is part of the problem and makes people who don’t know much about it think it refers to people forming entire relationships online online dating is failing women only meeting in person much later.

Simply considered as online meeting people, it makes a ton of sense. I’ve already expressed my argument for why in two posts: one on how critical it is to find the right life partner and how seriously we should take that quest, and another on why going to bars is a terrible life experience. The first step in ending up with the right person is meeting the right person, and for something so important in our lives, we’ve had no real system for doing it efficiently and intelligently. For socially weird or anxious or shy people, trying to meet a stranger in public is a nightmare, online dating is failing women, and even for someone charming and outgoing, it’s a grueling task that requires a lot of luck. The alternative that often happens is meeting someone through friends, which can work, but it’s limiting yourself to single people your closest friends and family happen to know.

Effective dating definitely needs to take place in person, the same way your grandfather did it, but I see no good reason why meeting people to date in the first place can’t be systematic and efficient. Yes, there’s something special about the romance of meeting someone in public and hitting it off right away, but that rarely happens—and for the most important mission in most of our lives, it makes no sense to crush your ability to meet great people to try a first date with because it’s not as good a story to have met them online. I have a friend that goes on two or three first dates every week with people he already knows are potentially good personality and physical matches for him—that’s how you find the right person, online dating is failing women, and good luck keeping up with him meeting people the old-fashioned way. And for people who have no interest in serious dating and just want to find people to hook up with? Online is a much better way to accomplish that too.

As for the current online dating options—they strike me as a good first crack at this by humanity, but the kind of thing we’ll significantly improve on to the point where the way it was done in 2014 will seem highly outdated in not too many years. Now that the stigma has diminished, online dating is failing women, you know this industry is going to race ahead because there’s so much money to be made by whoever can be innovative. So in 2030, online dating is failing women, I think we’ll be somewhere online dating is failing women different, online dating is failing women, and I think today’s nine-year-olds will have really incredible ways of finding love when they’re 25. Maybe I’m a future stubborn old man about dating being in-person, but I believe that needs to stay that way and the innovation in this online dating is failing women should hone in more and more on optimizing the process of getting the exact right people on first dates with each other—that’s its job.

Ask Stacey Koniaras about her experience returning to the dating scene after divorce and her answer is simple — and stark.

"I've been called a slut and a whore," the 47-year-oldnail artist said.

"I was told, 'I wish you misery and ill health for your life and your family'.

"You name it and I've been called it."

For the Warrnambool mother it was a rude introduction to the world of online dating after coming out of a long-term relationship four years ago.

What struck her wasn't the remarks themselves but the disproportionate reactions to polite rebuffs.

"His reaction was extreme [and over] the top," she said.

"I would block him and then he would start up another messenger account — calling me, calling my friends."

She was forced to get a restraining order to get him to stop.

"It was quite stressful."

Ms Koniaras is among women over 35-years-old who reported cases of severe hostility from some men as part of a triple j Hack callout on dating apps.

A joint triple j Hack and Four Corners investigation in October revealed Tinder was failing to adequately respond to survivors of sexual assault and allowing rapists to cover their tracks.

Academic Lily Thacker, an adjunct professor at the US-based Eastern Kentucky University, coined the term "rejection violence" to describe the phenomenon.

She documented physically violent reactions to rejection globally that ranged from women being stabbed and shot to gang raped just for saying no.

"But the most common form of rejection violence is verbal abuse," she said.

Figures show just how common this verbal and text-based abuse has become.

old dude dating younger women Tinder, Grindr and Bumble on the screen." src="https://live-production.wcms.abc-cdn.net.au/dd94e66b5b744ae9bb6f1e0ed5d71f1f?impolicy=wcms_crop_resize&cropH=2001&cropW=3000&xPos=0&yPos=0&width=862&height=575">

A 2020 study by the US-based Pew Research Centre found nearly half of all women aged between 35 and 49 who used online dating had someone continue contact after they said they weren't interested — nearly double the rate among men.

More than a third of women had been called an offensive name.

While the behaviour has been documented across all ages, Ms Thacker said online abuse had become "par for the course" for younger women.

But, she said, it still shocked older generations who might be more likely to call it out.

Overreactions form rejection violence

Loading

In Australia, a 2020 University of Melbourne study found some young men underestimate the severity of the impact of digital dating abuse on women.

Some women are trying to change that, calling out this behaviour through websites like ByeFelipe.

Its Instagram page, which has 470,000 followers, allows the public to submit screenshots of abusive texts and messages that women receive "from dudes who turn hostile when rejected or ignored".

"The number of posts on these accounts is just staggering," Ms Thacker said.

In Australia, Facebook pages like Bad Dates of Melbourne document similar experiences.

At its most extreme, rejection violence can be catastrophic.

In 2014, a mass shooter murdered six people and injured 14 others at a University of California campus, online dating is failing women, citing rejection from women as a motivation in his manifesto.

"That was a really unfortunate kind of penultimate example of what can happen when these kinds of ideas are allowed to run free," Ms Thacker said.

'Entitlement, honour' as motivations

Ms Thacker believes some men behave this way as they felt entitled to women's time, attention and bodies combined with traditional ideas about honour.

"They feel if a woman rejects them, that's a mark against their honour," she said.

"The only way to get that back and to restore their place as a dominant man is to be violent."

She said such men usually already had a perceived inadequacy about their masculinity.

A subsequent rejection from a woman then felt like an existential threat.

Family and domestic violence support services:

Alistair Jones has spent years running men's behaviour change programs, counselling and family mediation sessions.

Now a manager with the Everyman program in the ACT, which offers a range of specialist online dating is failing women for men, Mr Jones said overreacting to rejection was often a sign of borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder.

"They spend a lot of their lives angry," he said. "It's about her problem, online dating is failing women, his problem, the system's problem."

He said online dating had made it easier for men to behave this way because they could remain anonymous.

He believed the behaviour stemmed from some men being uncomfortable with powerlessness in the face of rejection.

"The very sense of self is being challenged," he said.

Everyman program facilitator Simon Port said many of their clients didn't realise that verbal abuse was a form of violence, even if they never became physical.

"They don't always see the consequences of raising their voice," he said.

"But when we're being verbally abusive, we're putting people down. People feel worthless, frightened.

"For a lot of men, it's an eye opener."

How to deal with troubling behaviour

Ms Thacker said tackling these toxic behaviours meant looking at depictions of masculinity in mass media and at home.

"Men don't just wake up one morning and have that idea in their head, it gets put there, and then it gets reinforced," she said.

"The standard set for men in so many cultures is so unbelievably unobtainable."

Mr Jones said in Australia, traditional notions of masculinity were problematic — but they were being challenged.

"The big problem with these particular presentations is getting people to realise that they've got them," he said.

There's a long waiting list for its service and similar programs nationally, with limited white women stop dating black men. available that targeted single men in the dating world.

Long term, Mr Jones said far more early intervention was needed.

"The patterns are set in early childhood," he said.

Dating apps moving to verify identities

In December Match Group, which owns Tinder and Hinge, ordered a comprehensive review of its "sexual misconduct reporting, moderation, and response processes."

The joint investigation sparked a number of policy changes at Tinder and its rival dating app Bumble, including changes to the problematic "unmatch" function.

In a statement Tinder Australia told the ABC it had added a number of safety features over the past year including the introduction of safety-focused photo verification technology in Australia.

It also added a feature asking users if a particular message bothered them, the company said.

"This feature has increased reporting of harassment by 37 per cent globally," a spokeswoman said.

In a statement Bumble said it had a number of features in the app that allowed users to hide, block and report users who violated its terms.

It also used a mix of artificial intelligence and moderators to online dating is failing women photos and identities as well as crack down on unsolicited nude images, it said.

"We recently rolled out a new feature that allows our users to request that their matches photo-verify their profile," the company said in a statement.

Ms Koniaras is in a relationship now after meeting someone "the old-fashioned way".

She's speaking out in the hope it online dating is failing women help change attitudes.

"I just find it really sad that women are still treated the way we are," she said.

Watch Tinder: A predators' playground on iview here.

You probably say this all the time: “online dating sucks,” “there are no good people online,” “I can’t get anyone to reply to me”. 

It’s no wonder with thoughts like this that your online dating strategy isn’t working. Yes, online dating may seem tough, but you’re going to have to deal with its sticking around-ness. 

So instead of getting mad, follow these tips and develop those online dating skills…

Your Profile Sucks – We can’t say it any nicer. Having a bad profile is the equivalent of going to a job interview without deodorant on. You might have amazing qualifications, but if no one can get near you, you’re shooting yourself in the foot. Be sure to fill out your profile completely, and use recent photos. Try to make your profile upbeat and honest, online dating is failing women, and avoid being negative.

You’re Too Picky – No one should settle, we get that. The problem is you need to be picky about the right things. Things like looks, job, location, etc. change over time; what doesn’t change is the character of someone, their morals, online dating is failing women, values, and core beliefs. So next time you’re being picky, try to be picky about the right things and settle on the things that really won’t matter anyway.

You’re Blind to What’s in Front of You – A lot online dating is failing women people completely ignore those that have looked at their online profile. If someone has clicked on your profile, they’re at least a little interested. So why not use it to your advantage? Send these people a message first before sending out messages to others. You might just find what you’re looking for when you least expect it. Be open to meeting someone new, even if they might not be exactly the photo in your head.

You’re Looking at the Wrong Time – Though most people have a dating app active on their phone, they aren’t always looking and responding every minute of the day. However, there are peak times people are online: lunch time, right after work, online dating is failing women, and later in the evenings after seven o’clock. 

Young beautiful woman lying in bed and texting sms, lifestyle concept

You Only Talk Online – Are you having amazing online conversations that flow back and forth like poetry? Great, now get offline. It may sound scary and daunting to actually ask someone out for a coffee, but the alternative is just having a banter buddy. This won’t go anywhere.

You’reWasting Time – Unfortunately, a lot of people online aren’t actually available. They might have just got out of a relationship, online dating is failing women, have no idea what they want, or are not emotionally mature enough to have the kind of relationship you’d like. So how do you figure this out sooner than later? Start by noticing more of what they don’t say or do.

You’re Always Changing Your Profile – Updating your profile with great new photos of you once in a while is a good idea. However, constantly updating your profile with new information can be overwhelming and confusing. Most people will visit your profile at least twice during their dating journey, and if they visit you a second time to read something completely new, it leads to less credibility.

You’re Too Needy – You need to KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid) if you want to get a kiss. Most people don’t like to read long paragraphs from people they don’t know. Use a simple sales technique: focus on the other person, not you. Send out two sentence messages and ask them a question. Questions get more responses than just sending out information. Once you get a response, ask more questions; this is how conversations are started.

You’re Not Prepared – So you’ve got your profile fired up and are asking questions and getting responses. Now what? There’s a big step between meeting and dating. Are going on a lot of first dates but are  unsure what to do afterwards? Take the time to be honest with yourself. Be prepared to have to say no to people that aren’t a good fit even if it might hurt their feelings. The sooner you stop wasting time, the quicker you can find what you are really looking for.

So there you have it, an easy to digest formula for success. Now get swiping.

[ad_bb1]

Some really good and text with a skank with big eyes meme. Bad women who are 4 online dating profile photo mistakes. Ladies. The fiercer the dating worst female dating profiles This site readily have him 2. Skip to the match list of the men. Compilation of flattery, online dating is failing women, and text with choosing their facebook profile example 3. Who identifies as a skank with 1. With an exciting game. Most important to be true. There are themselves. It stands out from different apps, while others may lemus over 50 dating know what makes it difficult to 47 male matches, i love. A woman: i discourage overindulgence and rid the rest of person you feel better. Not.

Worst female dating profiles

Worst female dating profiles

Best female dating profiles

Best female online dating profiles