First phone call online dating and they dont call

Posted on 25.06.201925.06.2019 by -

first phone call online dating and they dont call

“Don't got for a walk in the woods on the first date,” says my the first meet-and-greet (she prefers not to call it a date) with “I have. Avoid short answers. Use the questions you're asked to tell the other person something really interesting about yourself. For example, if they. Dating is annoying to me. But even worse than dating itself is the potential of a pre-date phone call. I literally never answer my phone.

First phone call online dating and they dont call - excellent

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The first conversation you have with a man is so revealing. Here’s how to spot red flags on the first phone call.

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Two words of advice for women dating after 40: PAY ATTENTION. Learn how to spot red flags! If you want to save yourself from days, weeks, months, or years of suffering and pain, pay close attention to the words and actions of a man. And believe it or not, the best time to pick up on any red flags is during your very first conversation. Why is this conversation so important? Men often reveal just about everything you need to know about their character and what you can expect from them in a relationship. You are not yet clouded with hormones like Oxytocin, the bonding hormone that is released through sexual activity. You know, that hormone that makes you a little stupid and puts a blindfold over your gut feelings about him? This is the hormone that has you shove all the negative character traits he displays under the proverbial rug. I’ll show you how you can detect red flags on the first phone call to save yourself from future heartache.

How to spot red flags on the first phone call

I have had the most revealing first phone calls with men I connected with online. They’ve told me about their diabetes, sex addiction, failed relationships, and bitterness towards their ex who ruined them financially. They have let me know that they are newly separated and interested in casual relationships with multiple women. They’ve revealed their estrangement from their kids and blamed it on their ex. If you pay close attention, you’ll learn how to spot red flags on the first phone call and discover whether he is first-date-worthy.

Most men love to talk about themselves at the onset of a relationship. They share information that they believe endears them to you. And then when they get into a relationship with you, they often clam up. I know, exasperating! But at the same time, how wonderful is it to have a secret portal to his character and relationship-readiness from that first conversation?

CASE STUDY ON HOW TO SPOT RED FLAGS

My client “Arielle” received a sweet email from “Abe” on Plenty of Fish. (All names are changed to protect privacy). He was nice-looking, fully dressed in every photo, didn’t have any pictures of motorcycles or large dead fish, and his email was kind and polite. They exchanged a few more emails, and Abe asked for her phone number. Finally, a man who was interested in escalating a relationship from email to phone! So many men get stuck in the email/text phase and never graduate to a phone call, so this was a definite plus.

She gave him her Google Voice number, the number I recommend all clients use for online dating. This number helps you remain private until you’re ready to share private information. Google Voice also allows you to block numbers, a great feature for dating, both online and offline. It puts you more in control of your dating experience. If you don’t yet have a Google Voice number, click here to get yours as soon as possible.

Later that night, Abe called. She immediately sensed his low energy. Perhaps he was a little nervous, which is understandable for a first phone call. So she paid less attention to his voice quality and more attention to his words. Here’s what she picked up:

Red flag #1: He used the word “should” a lot. “I should have gone for my Ph.D. I should have gone to the army so I wouldn’t have had to pay for it.” “I should never have married my first or second wives. They both had kids with behavior problems, and that caused the downfall of both marriages.” “I should never have taken this job with the government.” Should, should, should!

Arielle is looking for a positive, forward-thinking man. She wants to be in a relationship with someone who has worked through his past baggage and lives a life with few regrets. Sure, everyone’s got baggage. It’s all about how you’ve processed it. She is proud of the inner work she’s done, and wants a man who energizes her, not someone who drains her. She was feeling very drained by Abe’s “shoulds” and regrets.

Red flag #2: Arielle is religious, and although Abe shared her religious affiliation, when she asked about his level of observance, he said he was agnostic. He was raised that way, and he was very happy as an agnostic. While Arielle can be a little flexible about how the man in her life practices their shared religion, at the very least, they would need to share a belief in God and observe some of the rituals. She wants to be able to share Holiday dinners with her significant other and her close family, and Abe would not fit into her lifestyle. This was a deal breaker.

She had all the information she needed to know that he was not someone she wanted date. She told him it was nice talking, but felt they were not a good match. He thanked her for the conversation, wished her good luck, and hung up. All good, right?

Not so much. Here’s the message he sent a few minutes later:

My parents taught us by living the golden rule of kindness and care for others. I doubt yours and your kin live the spirit of true religion. I find many very religious folks quite the hypocrite, and take offense by the looking down of the faithful on the non. – Abe

Red flag #3: Abe showed his true colors in this follow-up email. Notice how reactive he was. He feigned good character by citing the “golden rule of kindness and care for others”, and then proceeded to insult Arielle by calling her a hypocrite, someone who looks down on the unfaithful. Arielle never put Abe down. She simply stated her must-haves, that being with a man who is on the same page religiously is important to her. That’s not an insult to an emotionally healthy man.

When she opened this final email, his words stung for a second or two. She asked herself, “Is this true? Am I really a hypocrite?” Then she took a deep breath. She knew she was kind. She chose her words carefully on that phone call, as she does throughout her life. She doesn’t judge how others choose their faith or lack thereof. It’s a highly personal thing, one that Arielle has revisited many times in her life.

She knew without a doubt that she dodged a bullet by putting an end to her relationship with Abe before it even got to a first date.

Wouldn’t it be great if you knew when to give a man a chance and when to shut the door before even meeting for the first time? There were two things at play that helped Arielle become crystal clear in her decision to end things with Abe.

She knew her 5 must-haves, the things she absolutely needed in a relationship. Without them, the relationship would not work. If you don’t yet have your must-have list, think about how you’d like to feel with your ideal relationship. Safe? Happy? Now identify what he needs to do in order for you to feel safe and happy. Those are your must-haves. Notice that they have nothing to do with looks, income level, or shared activities – which is what most people focus on first.

She identified her 5 deal breakers, the things she would not tolerate in a relationship. These are the behaviors that if they were present, you’d get divorced. This is the line-in-the-sand. What you need to walk away from.

Having that level of clarity has helped her identify the men she’d like to date and the ones she won’t consider at all.

Often, when a relationship ends, you can trace back to the first conversation and realize that he revealed all of the issues right up front. Have you been able to spot red flags from a first conversation? Please share your experience with red flags and first conversations. I want to hear from you!

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to find love this year, sign up for a complimentary 1/2 hour breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/breakthrough

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s new book, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love here.

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Danny* and I had plans for Friday night at 8 p.m. Well, at least I thought we did. When I texted him around 5 p.m. suggesting we hit up an old Western mixology saloon conveniently close to my apartment and where I just so happened to leave my phone charger the night before, he never responded.

I waited a few hours and still, no response. Was it a red flag that I lost my phone charger? Did he hate saloons? Was I too pushy with the location suggestion? I’ll never know because even when I woke up the next morning, expecting an apology text, the only message I had was from my mother.

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I vented to my friend and dating coach Anthony Recenello about Disappearing Danny. As the creator of Soulmate Method, he assured me that I could’ve avoided this flaky behavior had I just hopped on the phone with Danny quickly for a “chemistry check.”

“The chemistry you have on the phone is going to be very similar to what you encounter in person,” Anthony told me. “All it takes is three to five minutes to know if there are vibes there.”

Now, you should know the last time I hopped on the phone with someone was to schedule a dentist appointment—and even that was pretty anxiety-inducing. So calling up a random Tinder match seemed like a stretch.

But Anthony assured me that the main point of the call should be to see if there’s a spark and to keep it playful: “Whatever you do, don’t get into interview mode. Keep the deeper questions for when you decide to meet in person,” he said.

“Think of it as a fun step in getting to know your date by saying something like ‘My fingers are tired of texting. Let’s talk on the phone,’” says Recenello.

So hey, I figured I’d try it since I had nothing to lose—I was already *quite literally* losing dates, so three minutes on the phone wouldn’t hurt me. Here’s how it went:

Phone Date #1

I tried it first with Leonardo*, who I matched with on Bumble a month ago. I was game to meet up with him considering he looked exactly like my type—John Mayer at the right angle and with lighting. He was visiting his parents and suggested we meet up around 9 p.m. Sunday night. Like the super chill dating pro I am, I suggested he give me a call when he was done. He promised to keep me posted.

A little before 9 p.m., he texted me saying he wouldn’t be back in time to meet up after all. I suggested he call me when he had the time this week. Flash forward to today and I’m still waiting on that phone call. Any day now…

Phone Date #2

I matched with Marshall* on Bumble. We bonded over the absurdity of vegan cheese (sorry, vegans) and he suggested we grab a bite and drink the next night. I told him I was going to a boxing class, and I’d call him after to solidify a plan—which actually felt super casual and not forced.

I called him, palms sweaty, knees weak, arms heavy, feeling like I was about to throw up my mom’s spaghetti (just kidding) and...voicemail. Anthony didn’t prepare me for the voicemail, so I opted to text him to call me back. And he did!

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We talked for exactly three minutes and joked about how relieved we were that neither of us has weird-sounding voices. I was instantly drawn to the hum of his baritone and I’m assuming he didn’t mind my whispers of vocal fry from living in L.A. for too long. We made 7 p.m. wine and pizza plans that same night.

Normally when I meet any first date, I’m nervous. But the second I saw Marshall* emerge from the sea of elderly couples finishing their early bird specials, a rush of comfort washed over me.

I felt instantly at ease. Over orange wine and margarita pizza, I was relieved to discover our phone chemistry translated in person. When he dropped me off at home, we both agreed it was a fantastic first date. I hope to see him again, but he will likely stop talking to me after he reads this—oops!

Phone Date #3

I tried this hack again with another Bumble match, Jeff*. I was on the fence with Jeff from the beginning. I couldn’t think of an opening line to say to him because there wasn’t anything on his profile that inspired a witty comment from me. Then he extended the match, so I literally said “Wow! Thank you! Hi!” Because I’m pretty sure he had to pay money to extend the match? Does this make me Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman? Unclear.

He asked me out for drinks and apps this week, so I gave him my number. He texted asking when we could hang out. I told him my week was jammed until the weekend and suggested he call me instead. He was into it, but joked about how phone dates were all the rage in the ’90s.

Well, my instinct was right about Jeff. There were lulls of awkward silence and he mostly talked about the only two things I knew about him from his Bumble profile: the entertainment industry and his dog. He asked me zero questions about myself the entire 15 minutes we spoke. Since I already got a preview of what that date would look like (more of him talking about himself), I think I’m going to opt out of an IRL date, which saves me from having to put on a bra.

My Final Thoughts

Yes, talking on the phone is awkward—and chances are the only people you talk to on the phone are your parents if you’re an only child like me. And yeah, talking to someone you think is dreamy does give you awkward brace-face middle school flashbacks and makes you want to giggle and hang up.

But think about how many first dates you’ve been on where you realized the chemistry isn’t there in person almost immediately? It’s a waste of everyone’s time, energy, and expensive Sephora foundation you’re already running low on.

Given the choice, I’d rather have an awkward three-minute phone call with someone than an awkward hour-long date, wouldn’t you?

*All names have been changed

Gabi Conti Gabi Conti is a writer, host, comedian, storyteller, and soon to be author.

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Who among us hasn’t endured the endless stream of “hey how r u” texts over a series of days? Or weeks? A phone-call can create greater intimacy, and fast, according to pansexual project manager Resi, 27. “Hearing a voice brings about more of a visceral connection to a person than texting behind a screen,” she says. “It’s harder to pivot when someone’s on the other line asking a question or making a comment. People have to reveal a bit more about themselves rather than what they may in a text message behind a screen.”

THE INTIMACY ISSUE

It also lets you reveal more about yourself in a less stark setting. Folks tend to be more sympathetic to others in person or over the phone; it’s distressingly easy to dismiss someone’s pain when it’s just words on a screen. Jess, for example, has found great comfort in speaking over the phone pre-date as it allows her to share a bit about her new post-therapy dating approach. Hearing her say it, rather than reading her say it, can help the message go down a little easier. “The last person I met for a date, we’d spoken by phone once or twice, and I think it made me more comfortable meeting up with him,” she says. “Explaining how I’ve been seeing a therapist and learning about attachment styles would be complicated over text; since I was able to explain things about my dating approach, and how it’s changed made me feel more relaxed in person with him.”

Texts are, after all, the perfect medium to be funny and smart and entertaining – even if you’re, uh, very much not IRL. This is why Kendall, 53, prefers the phone, where it’s immediately apparent if you’re actually jiving with someone or not. “I do it to try and avoid the false sense of intimacy I get from texting. If a text exchange seems to go well, i.e., is enjoyable or even funny, I start to fill in the emotional blanks with warmth and camaraderie,” she says. “Then when I meet the guy in person, it’s a bit of a shock to realize that we are actually strangers with no connection.” Recently, for example, she was smitten with a man who seemed totally hilarious. Come the pre-date call, however, he was revealed to be a jittery, over-talking mess.

Over-talkers: another scourge of the dating world! Resi recently endured a phonecall where the guy who simply would not stop talking about himself: how great he is, how everyone in his office loves him, and on and on and on. “He wouldn’t allow me to get much of a word in,” Resi says. “I pointed it out to him, but, alas, the narcissism continued.” Something good came out of it after all, thankfully: “It helped me decide not to go on the pre-arranged date and save myself a seat to the one-man show!”

JUST SAY NO

Despite the advantages that some women and non-binary folks enjoy, others still rankle at the request. Thirty-four-year-old queer biologist Tilly says she typically can tell by text if potential dates are duds or not, and she’s had all kinds of horrible experiences with the men requesting the pre-date call.

“Ugh, it’s a bit annoying,” she says. “It feels completely judgemental. My guess is that people are jaded from online dating and wasting time on dates. I know, I’ve been a serial dater and it takes up a lot of time, so I think people do the pre-date calls to quickly weed people out and save on time so they can quickly move on to the next and efficiently spend their energy elsewhere. But, at times, it feels so formal and judgy. Like an over-the-phone job interview with the HR intake coordinator.”

Then there was the dude who had a “skill-testing question” for her. “If you arrived at a party and there was a dog there, who would you greet first: the dog or the humans? She said the dog. “Good,” he replied. “Because if you said humans then I wouldn’t have gone on a date with you.”

Another one told her that he called to find out if she had an annoying voice, or “sounded dumb.”

THE AMBUSH

“And,” says Tilly, “I cannot tell you how many guys I’ve talked to on the phone who jump head-first into the sexy talk.” They ask her what she’s wearing, what positions she likes in bed, how sexually adventurous she is. “They lower their voice into what they probably think is a soft, sexy tone,” Tilly shrieks. “Ohhh, puhlease! Barf. I need more than that.”

Steph has also experienced this low-key harassment as well. “Years ago” she remembers, “a man felt the need to ask me if I wore tights or pantyhose. He had a fetish and decided a pre-date phone call was a good time to talk about it.”

Consent-wise, she’s also noticed an increase in people calling without asking first. She doesn’t like the pre-screen call (“I find phone calls with strangers more awkward than meeting in person”), but she’ll do it if it’s important to them. So what if you absolutely hate talking on the phone?

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How to Spot Red Flags On the First Phone Call

Posted by Sandy Weiner in communication skills in dating, dating after divorce, red flags in relationships

Going From First Phone Call in Online Dating to First Date Every Time

Going from your first call (online dating) with a woman to your first date is a big step. In this guide, you’ll learn how to do it seamlessly. So many guys get hung up on that first phone call that they blow it from the minute they start that first conversation. But the first call in online dating shouldn't be too difficult. In fact, if you use our tips below, you might even end up with a date right after that call!

Online Dating: Should You Talk on the Phone Before Meeting?

Fortunately, the process of going from the phone to an in-person meeting is easier and faster than messaging back and forth. You should be using this initial phone call to get to know the woman you are talking to and make sure they are worth the time and effort to meet in person. You are a busy person and don't have time to waste on incompatible people or flakes. If you approach this call with the mindset that you are screening them to make sure they are worth the effort you will be confident, relaxed and most able to be your true self on the phone.

Follow these steps below to have the best shot at landing a first date, assuming that is what you are after.

Online Dating: Calling First Time and Landing a First Date

When you’ve met a woman from online dating, calling for the first time can be nerve-wracking. This step-by-step guide should help ease the nerves.

Setting Up The First Phone Call

Proceeding from our guide to online messaging you want to set up the date and time for your call. Once she sends you her number via email send her a quick message back that is simply:

"Great. My number is xxx-xxx, I'll text you and we can set up a time to get to know each other a little better."

Wait a day. Then send her a quick text like:

"Hey Jenny, it's Kevin from [dating app]! When is the best time for you next week to get to know each other a little bit on the phone? I'm free Tuesday or Thursday 7-9 p.m."

You want to keep conversation to a minimum via text before the call and lock down a date and time right away. Older women especially are going to be busy so you want to schedule ahead of time. Trying to randomly call a woman during the week is a great way to talk to a lot of answering machines. Take the lead and offer a couple of times in the early evening to have a quick call. If she can't make those, you can always be flexible. But you want to take the lead from the start.

First Phone Call Preparation

Even in dating, the most prepared guy is usually going to come out on top. Especially once you get the hang of messaging and are talking to several women at once, preparation is key.

Time to go back to your school days and start taking some notes. Read through her profile again and list out a few things including:

What To Write Down

Common interests
Questions about interesting things in her profile
Any recent travel she has had
Favorite foods or restaurants

This is going to be your backup list in case the conversation stalls. If you reach a point in the conversation where you both go quiet, you can pull one of the topics of conversation from your list. This will also ensure that you don't mix her up with a different woman on the call!

While you are at it, write her name at the top of the list. That should prevent you from repeating a less than ideal blunder that I once made...

You should also list out a few interesting or funny stories about yourself to weave into the conversation. You want to try to weave in a few of your best stories here. One or two is great to keep her interested and laughing. If the conversation is going great without them feel free to save them for the first date.

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Call a Couple of Minutes Late

You don't want to call exactly at the time of your scheduled call. It might sound like a small thing but you don't want to come off as too eager at this point. Plus, there is a very real possibility that she isn't just waiting by the phone for your call or is running later. Either way, you are guaranteeing that you maximize your time and don't get her voicemail.

A couple of minutes is two or three, not fifteen.

First Phone Call Greeting and Tone

You want to have a friendly and engaging tone for the entirety of the call. Without any body language to read, all of your communication has to be verbal. You want to project energy and confidence into your voice and break her out of whatever mood she is currently in.

Don't assume that whoever answers the phone is her. Start of with:

"Hey is this Jenny? *She says yes* Hey Jenny, it's Kevin."

If you get her voicemail - Leave a message if she doesn't answer. You don't know why she missed your call, so don't assume anything. A simple message like this is ideal:

"Hey Jenny it's Kevin! Give me a call when you get this. My number is xxx-xxx."

She will probably call you back shortly but if she doesn't DON'T CALL HER AGAIN. If you don't hear back from her that day, then she is probably a flake. But you can text her a few days later to try and set up another call.

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What to Say in Your First Phone Call

Whether or not you’ve met through online dating, calling the first time shouldn’t be a serious affair.

The actual conversation itself should be fun and playful. You want to keep it fairly light, tease her a bit, and get to know each other. Try not to get into any controversial topics or anything too deep if you can help it. The whole goal of this conversation is to make sure she is worth meeting in person and setting up the date. Just keep in mind that if you met her on a hookup site, there's a huge chance you could have sex on the first date.

The entire call should be 15-20 minutes tops. Once you reach that threshold, you need to decide if you want to meet her in person or not. That’s all it really takes to go from your first call in online dating to setting up a date.

What to do if you don't want to meet her in person - If you decide that there isn't any chemistry on your part, that is completely normal. Not every call is going to work out. You should give the woman the benefit of the doubt though. Not everyone can be as prepared and confident as you on the phone and some people are much better in person. If you still decide to call it off simply end the call gently like this:

"Well Jenny, it has been a pleasure getting to know you a bit more but I have to be going."

Simple and to the point. Say your goodbyes and get off the phone. At this point, you know you don't want to see her again. So there is no point in drawing out the process and getting her hopes up. Send her a quick text and let her down easy with an honest response:

"Hey Jenny, it was nice meeting you today. You seem like a great woman but I don't think there was a connection. Best of luck to you!"

Short, sweet, and honest.

Single woman

How to Set Up a Date in Your First Phone Call

If you decide you want to move forward to a first date you want to wrap up the call and set up that date immediately. A good transition to use is:

"Hey Jenny, it has been a pleasure getting to know you a bit more but I have to be going. I think we should meet in person for drinks and stimulating conversation next week. I'm free Tuesday and Thursday next week around 7 p.m. What works best for you?"

The phrasing is important here. You want to let her know that she has passed the first test and make it very easy for her to say "yes" to the first date (and maybe even plan for a second date!).

With this phrasing all that she has to do is pick a date, making it easy to go from your first call in online dating to an actual date. Assuming your conversation went well this will be a very natural transition. Once she tells you what day works best you want to wrap up the call ASAP. Say this and get off the phone:

"Great. I'll text you later on in the week with the details. Talk to you later Jenny."

That's it. Get off the phone!

A quick note about the first date - Drinks or coffee is the perfect first in-person date for a number of reasons:

Why do drinks or coffee on the first date

Bars and coffee shops are simple
It's hard to say "no" to
It's cheap
If things are going well you can move to another spot easily
If things are going poorly you can end it and move on easily

Basically, drinks or coffee dates offer a lot of flexibility without much commitment on your part. You are not committing to spending several hours with someone you barely know, but are still getting to know them more.

And if things go well, you can start thinking about what to do after that first date.

Once you’ve completed that first call, online dating won’t seem so intimidating.

If you are still at the point where you are looking to find more older women to date check out our Best Online Cougar Dating Sites Review to find the best places to do so. There are a lot of scam sites out there to avoid that can be hard to spot. You will also find Match.com reviews, and eHarmony reviews for those most interested in dating older women.

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Hinge - Dating & Relationships

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Dating is hard. We try to make it a little less-hard.
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Designed to be deleted
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2 comments

The first conversation you have with a man is so revealing. Here’s how to spot red flags on the first phone call.

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How to spot red flags on the first phone call

I have had the most revealing first phone calls with men I connected with online. They’ve first phone call online dating and they dont call me about their diabetes, sex addiction, failed relationships, and bitterness towards their ex who ruined them financially. They have let me know that they are newly separated and interested in casual relationships with multiple women. They’ve revealed their estrangement from their kids and blamed it on their ex. If you pay close attention, you’ll learn how to spot red flags on the first phone call and discover whether he is first-date-worthy.

Most men love to talk about themselves at the onset of a relationship. They share information that they believe endears them to you. And then when they get into a relationship with you, they often clam up. I know, exasperating! But at the same time, first phone call online dating and they dont call, how wonderful is it to have a secret portal to his character and relationship-readiness from that first conversation?